Humor Quotes and Quotations
-
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police'.
George Carlin
-
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Carlin
-
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
George Carlin
-
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
-
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
George Carlin
-
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
George Carlin
-
How is it possible to have a civil war?
George Carlin
-
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
-
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
-
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
George Carlin
-
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
-
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
-
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
-
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
-
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
-
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
-
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
George Carlin
-
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
-
Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.
Socrates
-
Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.
J.K. Rowling
