George Carlin quotes humor
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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police'.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
